Deep thoughts in the middle of the night

Insomnia, partly caused by fibromyalgia which gives me fatigue and insomnia, causes deep thoughts in the middle of the night. Sometimes I actually remember these thoughts to ponder them further.

So what occurred to me last night was that my most significant health issues to me is no longer cancer. Cancer has definitely settled back to lurk but no longer dominates my life. I get to go to extra doctors, because of my medical history, we need to be sure, but cancer is not the focus. This is  nice mind set. I don't have the need to dwell on it in the middle of the night. Nor do I feel the need to dwell on it. Cancer is not worthy of any stress.

Back in July I saw my medical oncologist for my annual follow up. She took me off Femara after five years. The thought process was that Femara has not been shown to have additional benefit after five years and it could be contributing to my joint pains. But she said I could restart it if I felt stressed about potential recurrence. I didn't think that would be a problem and I am not stressed. And I might  have less joint pains than before.

Also my thyroid cancer has not been problematic. Its just there and I have extra blood work because of it. But its not a stressor.

However my rheumatoid and fibromyalgia tend to rule my life. If I bend wrong or spend too long out and about, they remind me they are there. Or I can not be doing anything and they tell me they rule my body. And fibro keeps me up at night.

Something is going to do me in at some point but I am not going to worry about it. Cancer doesn't deserve to stress me out. It doesn't deserve anything. Its just a piece of crap anyway. I am not going to waste my life worrying about cancer any more than I already have.

Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep tonight.

Insomnia again

I haven't been sleeping well recently, but this takes the cake. It's 12:53 AM Saturday morning. I didn't sleep well last night and on Wednesday night I had terrible dreams. My naturopathic doctor has recommended a new (to me) homeopathic remedy which we bought today -- meaning Friday.  Have I slept? No. I couldn't even nap this afternoon.

I finally got out of bed in hope that at least Rik would sleep well. The dogs, of course, sleep through everything except their hunger. I'm ensconced on the sofa, with the iPad in my lap. I expect that I will eventually fall asleep. It may not be until six in the morning, which is usually what happens when I actually force myself out of bed to deal with sleeplessness. That's also the time those dogs get hungry.

Insomnia may seem like the least of my worries but it's very difficult. I find I can't turn off my mind when I get into bed. My feet hurt fiercely from the neuropathy. My skin may be more sensitive, because I itch on my head where it touches the pillow and randomly across my body, tonight around my throat. The open sore mets on my scalp and my chest itch and are painful, but must remain covered. My left arm is in the big blue lymphedema compression garment (I'm left handed) and it's tight. The ONJ spot in my mouth hurts on the right side of my jaw. I've slept on that side my whole life and it's a hard habit to change. The hydrocodone I took before bed doesn't begin to touch all these little things. Together they keep me from sleeping night after night. And when you have metastatic cancer, too many nights of not sleeping soon add up to not dealing well with anything. Especially cancer.

On top of all of this, I clearly had too much water to drink this evening, because I've been running to the toilet every hour since ten o'clock. I took some Uristat to help with that problem, but no dice. I just need to pee a lot.

I guess it's my turn to host the pity party.