A difficult decision

We left last Saturday on a two week family vacation. We returned this morning. Why? Because I am done putting up with my sister's crap. She has made much of my life miserable. How? Let me count the ways.

In junior high or high school, back when I was experimenting with make up, one day I got to the bus stop with her and evidently had a bit of eye shadow on my nose. Did she say something to me? No, instead she got everyone else at the bus stop to make fun of me and then after school complained to my mother that I embarrassed her in public. Yes this was a long time ago but this is an example of the kind of thing I grew up with.

I asked her once to give me to give a ride to an appointment that I could not miss. I also had surgical drains in and couldn't drive. Could she get me there on time? No. And when I called her constantly to find out when she would be there to pick me up, thinking I might need to drive myself when I shouldn't, she didn't pick up my call because she was yakking with a friend and just kept ignoring my calls. I have never asked her to drive me to a single medical appointment since. I will take a cab or a bus before asking her again.

When she was my maid of honor (because she is my sister I asked her), she called me about three weeks before the wedding asking wasn't she supposed to help me with invitations or anything. I hadn't asked her to do that because I couldn't depend on her to help.

She is chronically late for everything. Nothing like showing up for Thanksgiving dinner two hours late with no good reason. And not answering the phone when I call her to ask when she will be there. Or telling me she is on the way, when she hasn't left. She does all those things to me regularly, when I bother to have contact with her now. She doesn't reply to emails, texts, and voice mails and then whines when she didn't know about something. I think she does this to a lot of people sometimes but to me all the time.

Last weekend the first night of our vacation, the five of us went out to dinner - me, my husband, my sister, and my parents. My husband and I went first got a table because they didn't take reservations and we didn't want my parents to have to stand around waiting for a table. I called my sister to see where she and my parents were. The first time I called she ignored my questions and wouldn't give me an answer. The second time she just read the names of the signs that they were going by (why that was supposed to be helpful I have no idea). The third call she again ignored my questions and wouldn't tell me where they were. I hung up.

Yesterday became the last straw because I just cant take it any more. We were on a family vacation and each of the three of us, my brother included, were paying for food and taking turns cooking each night. She had to go back to work for a couple of days and came back Wednesday night. Last night I asked her if she was going to cook dinner one night and she said something along the lines of 'she wasn't sure'. Then she pouted in her room while the rest of us were eating dinner because I got mad at her for picking on my mother all the time. My brother asked her to apologize to me for the way she acted, last night and other times. She rolled her eyes and seemed appalled that she needed to apologize at all. I was done.

I would have left last night but since I had wine with dinner I was not going to drive a car. We got up and left by 5am to avoid the worst of Boston traffic. My father talked to me and asked me not to leave because its family. I hate to disappoint anyone but she doesn't treat me like family. This morning my brother got up to say good bye. My sister also got up and asked me not to leave, after the cars were packed, and I told her she should have treated me better for the last twenty years - actually I should have said for my whole life. I don't think she really thought I would leave.

It was a difficult decision but I really do not have time in my life to put up with anyone's crap. And I don't have to worry about her reading my blog because I don't think she even knows I have a blog. The only family member who actually reads my blog is my mother and I think she hasn't been reading it as frequently.

I reread this and wonder am I wrong? Am I making a big deal out of  nothing? Is it wrong to expect cordial relations with family members? Is it wrong to expect messages not to be ignored? Is it wrong to expect some sort of punctuality at get-togethers? Is it wrong to expect respect for others?

A Cancer Diagnosis is More Important

Today's Ask Amy column upset me and made me think. You can read it below or here as published in the Boston Globe.

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Q. My sister (in her early 40s) was diagnosed with cancer. They caught it early, so it’s still at an early stage. We in the family all found out about this a few weeks ago.

I have messaged her and her husband a few times since then to chitchat, but never asked them about the cancer.
I feel like if they want to talk about it or need my help, I will be there. It is understood by everyone in my family that we will help each other if asked.
My sister and I haven’t spoken for a week, and I found out from my other sister that my brother-in-law called me rude and not supportive because I didn’t offer to help.
I have two young children, and the younger one was constantly sick. I also work full time and am dealing with a dying father-in-law.
I don’t have the memory capacity or time to follow up on them all the time. Was I being rude?Hurt

A. You were being rude, and you ARE being rude.

Even if yours is a family that considers illness to be a private matter — your sister has cancer. It is incomprehensible that you would learn of this, initiate contact with your sister to “chitchat,” and then never mention it.
Your sister and her husband also did not bring it up, but they knew you had an awareness of their situation and were no doubt expecting you to at least inquire.
You say you can’t be supportive because your sister’s cancer is trumped by other family issues. This is even more baffling, because if you have experience dealing with illness, surely you realize that the comfort doesn’t come from offers of “help,” but from having people at least acknowledge the challenging situation illness presents.
In the course of your messaging, what does it cost you to type: “Oh, Sis, I heard about your cancer. Thank goodness it was caught early. I’m thinking of you. . .”?
All of your reasons for not doing this come off as justifications after the fact. You should apologize and offer some sisterly support.

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I agree with Amy here. If someone is diagnosed with cancer, it should be recognized by family members. I have had too many people run for the hills at the word cancer. I never wanted to be buried in phone calls about my medical issues but it is nice if family members recognize it.

Obviously the letter writer is a bit self centered and she has a bit too much going on in her life to think of anyone else. But seriously? Your sister had cancer and you blew it off.

Trip east

Rik and I went on separate journeys east recently. He made a presentation and received an award at a national geography teachers' conference in the other Washington (and he already took the award to school, so I can't share a photo with you). I went to see my mother, sister and brother-in-law and spent time at the New Jersey shore with them.

Here are highlights from my trip:

The board game Monopoly was based on the Atlantic City boardwalk.

By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea...

When you're part of our family, you get TAN!

Oh those Jersey tomatoes!

Sis, me, Mom in a terrible selfie

View from the banana whip place

Walking on the beach with my sister

I'm on Ventnor beach!

Canadian cherries for Rik

And to be sure I enjoyed every moment, I ate frozen custard daily! This Jersey delight is like soft-serve ice cream but SO MUCH MORE DELICIOUS.

Day 1: Daddy O's chocolate/vanilla swirl

Day 2: Rita's coffee and chocolate (shared between Mom and I)

Day 3: That place on the pier for frozen banana whip 

Day 4: Sunny Daze chocolate/vanilla swirl with chocolate dipped coating

Day 5: Royale Crown (Hammonton) fresh peach custard with chocolate dipped coating -- THE WINNER!

Happy 13th metsiversary to me!

We were so ridiculously busy on my 13th mets anniversary that I didn't get to blog about it all yet.

I decided to hold a big party, and invited 87 people to attend. I didn't even realize I was that friendly with so many people! About 35 folks showed up, which is a great amount for our backyard to hold.

I strung some lights we normally only use in the sukkah, and put them along the deck railing the way my niece Dana did at my 5th metsiversary. Rik moved the heavy table and chairs off the deck and onto the grass. S and her daughter L pulled out all our folding chairs and gave them a wash and some, a scrub (which they desperately needed). They also pulled all the tomato plants off the plastic table and gave that a wash too. Such excellent helpers!

Rik arranged everything into an arc, put chairs around the tables. Someone moved the Radost bench out of its housing in our garage and put more chairs facing it. I found tablecloths and put out tea lights in holders. Sadly, it was cool and windy that evening and the candles blew out right away. Next time I'll listen to S and ask to borrow the battery-powered ones from Radost.

D brought her longer folding table and many friends squeezed the incredible amount of chocolate desserts which people brought for potluck. Thanks especially to G and D for bringing an enormous
cheese platter which all enjoyed. Yes J, I still have your delicious cheese which those foodies would have devoured in seconds.

There was also ice cream (even some Graeter's, my hometown favorite from Cincinnati, now in QFC stores here); wine; lemonade (in case it got hot - feh); fruit; you name it. Mostly chocolate thought. My friends know me well. And I sent food home with as many people as would take (don't worry R: I saved your cake for me!)

The dogs were wild. At least Bob had the sense to lie down in his crate after he barked at everyone. Boychik tried to eat all the chocolate and was a huge annoyance, but it was better to pat him away from the table than listen to him whine from somewhere in the house. I think.

A true highlight came when D and C said a few words of Torah. I had never thought to bring this part of Judaism to my celebrations before, but given that this was my cancer "bat mitzvah," it seemed appropriate. I had asked them to speak that night, and I've asked them if I may share their words on my blog. Update soon.

I said my thanks to all, to Dr G, and to the universe for giving me so many loving friends and family  and years to spend with them. I go t a little ferklemt (that means teary-eyed) and then I blew my annual Bronx cheer to cancer. Also known as a "raspberry," I had to teach some folks who weren't native New Yorkers. You can imagine the sound we made.

To top things off, we made a toast and G and W, who recently were in a production of Fiddler on the Roof, led us all in the famous song from that show "To Life! To Life! L'chaim!"

I try hard to only blow a Bronx cheer on August 20th. The rest of the year I say to my cancer, you can live with me but you have to behave. It hasn't been very "have" lately (more on that soon), but we're giving it the big meds to quiet things down. So far, so good.

Back to the party: D brought her tambura and K his violin and gave an impromptu concert. When D started to play Evo bank Cigane moj, I thought to myself "I know that song!" Of course I did - D let me sing it in a concert a few years ago, the Passover when I dislocated my left elbow. I just had to sing with them. Thankfully D had brought the words.

So there was music, dancing, and eating, hugging and kissing and laughter. In short, it was a fantastic way to celebrate 13 years of living with mets.

L'chaim to all of us -- until 120 years!  עד מאה ועשרים שנה‎; in Yiddish "Biz Hundret un Tsvantsig"